I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
