I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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