The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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