so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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