I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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