it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
