tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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