And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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