how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
