Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
