Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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