Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I forget how to act sober
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
