Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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