the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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