I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
