i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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