I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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