Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize