we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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