There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You just made me feel so damn special
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
