I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
