Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
