That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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