Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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