If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
