On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
