we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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