so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
