dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.