I could make wine with my vomit
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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