Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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