did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
