Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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