tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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