omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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