It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
