Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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