I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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