Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize