i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize