His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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