I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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