Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found the puke drawer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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