I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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