:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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