Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
