I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
