You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My vagina is very pro this idea
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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