Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
