I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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