Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
