You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
