Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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