The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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