Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
