who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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