Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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