i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
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I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
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Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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